Wearily Aware

Photo By: Phil Dragash

Looking at myself, I truly am in awe of my calmness. After being slapped around by my almost 6 year old boy (slapped around is a slight exaggeration), I would think I would feel enraged. But I’m not.

I’m solemn. I’m pensive. I’m….going to go through the cycle, again…and I know it.

The cycle of grief is something that every parent of a special needs child goes through, forever. We don’t get the break of finality. We don’t get to hit acceptance and move on with things never changing, with things remaining the same and learning to cope. There’s always a change, always something more, new, different. Always more bad news, hardly ever good news. Our children are always changing and developing, but not always making strides and not always moving in a good direction. With each of these metamorphoses, we go through the cycle again.

That’s what I’m doing now, at least that’s what I think. That’s what my mind is preparing for, what my body feels; that’s why I feel listless, zombie like in knowing that this is something that I just have to deal with, that will never go away, but with some help can be managed. Not controlled, not ended, not fixed or cured, managed.

I feel the tears swelling in the back of my eyes. I don’t know if they’ll come.

I think this is the 3rd time this year alone that we’ve had big, life altering, state-of-life confirming, negative thing to deal with for Alex alone.

For this one, we are interviewing Behavioral Therapists. Money is a factor, is always a factor. We can’t afford anything, but we need to do something. We need a behaviorist that understands the complexities of a multi-diagnosed child. We need a behaviorist to tell us what we really need to do with transitions, his daily schedule, with his rage, his tantrums, hitting his siblings, hitting us, biting himself, acting like he’s going to bite others, on and on. And, believe it or not, his over-kissing. Yes, over-kissing; he can be overly affectionate in a manner that will be deemed inappropriate when he gets older. It would seem we have a huge pendulum swing of emotional outlets, and we don’t know what to do with either.

So, I’m solemn, I’m pensive, I’m wearily aware that this won’t be the end of what is to come for Alex, for our family. I just hope somewhere, we can have some light for his life. Until then, I’ll start the cycle…again.

This was published today since tomorrow I will be having a Guest Post for a Blog Swap. Check back tomorrow, it should be fun!

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